Saturday, April 14, 2012

I just needed to get this off my chest...

I am feeling very vulnerable today.  Well... actually, it's been a few weeks that I've noticed old insecurities creeping in. It reached a pinnacle of self-pity last night as I watched the Lionel Richie special and bawled my eyes out because I felt like I was in mourning over our relationship.  I guess that happens when you feel more connected to someone than they show* you that they are.  I let my imagination run to the "she must be mad at me... I am a bother to her... I've done something to screw up our relationship" cesspool and drink deeply.  I don't want to.  I really don't want to be that insecure, needy, codependent, passive, self-centered person anymore.  I don't want to need validation that our love and connection are solid - but I do.  There... I've said it.  I need to know that I am thought about sometimes; that she turns to tell me something or ask my opinion about something and realize that I am not sitting there just like it happens to me most days.  I need to know it's ok that I sometimes screw up and say the wrong thing.  And what I really need is to stop putting so much responsibility on her.  Maybe that's why she is so silent right now.  I suck too much energy out of the room.  So... what will be my affirmation today?  "I am sucking less energy?"  Or, "I let go of my relationships and let them be what they will be" knowing full well that if I believe this, let it go, that I risk a change so drastic that I might never breathe again?  But isn't that what unconditional love means?  Isn't that what I preach to my clients each and every day?  I have to let go. I have to stop expecting others to show (*aka PROVE) that I am important in their lives.  "I am open and ready to receive love in whatever form it chooses me. I let go of all strings and conditions."  Hmmm... still have to work on that affirmation.

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