Tuesday, April 5, 2016

When you lose sight...

I learned some news today.  Nothing Earth-shattering.  Good news for someone I respect and admire, really.  So why did I start crying from such a core of despair?  My first thought was (instead of, cool!  She got a promotion!), "Great, now I'm even further removed from moving up around here!"  That was followed by, "I don't get it.  Other people say, when I call, "Oh, I'm so glad it's you.  You're our favorite!"  Or "I am so grateful to be working with you."  "I can always count on you to think out of the box and find the perfect solution!"  News like what I read today makes me want to shout, "DON'T TELL ME - TELL SOMEONE WHO MATTERS!"  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  Damn it, I matter.  I know what I mean... I mean, please tell my superiors who will miraculously say, "Hey, you know who is a great motivator, mentor, and leader and would be perfect for this job?"

I have lost sight of what I know to be true.  Negative thought breeds negative outcomes.  Allowing the minutia of life to keep you from practicing positive intention - letting stress immobilize you to the point that you stop taking care of your whole self - only perpetuates the negativity. By affirming - by believing even when it's tough to believe - makes the positive intentions not only possible but reality.

Thank you, Louise Hay, for teaching me how to affirm - even if I only half believe it and am repeating the current mantra through tears:


THERE.  It's out there.  C'mon Universe.  Do your stuff.  Because I really am open and ready to receive.  I am worthy of recognition of my talents and skills - not just in "woohoos" but in tangible ways that positively impact my finances. 

So I state again, thank you for all I have achieved and all I have.  I am truly blessed.  I am ready to move forward in positive ways that puts me in a position of leadership and mentorship; that provides for me and family in ways that allows us to live comfortably, meeting all of our obligations with ease and having plenty with which to play and to share with others.

Power Thought Cards by Louise Hay (c) 1999

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

The kindness of strangers

I have often wondered about how a seemingly chance meeting can have a profound impact on your life.  I have longed stopped believing in coincidences yet I am often surprised when it happens.  Sometimes these chance meetings are only that - just meetings.  Sometimes, however, they turn into a deeper connection that time and distance do not diminish.  

On July 1, 2010, I got a phone call from my sister that our mother had been taken to the hospital from her memory care facility in an unresponsive state.  This had happened on two other occasions and both of those times Hospice was called in to provide palliative care.  But the other two times, our mother revived.  This time it was different.  Mother's major systems were beginning to shut down and her MD predicted that she would not survive more than 24 to 48 hours.  Hpspice was once again called and the decision was made to transfer our mom to my sister's home.  I left work early, drove home and updated my family, packed a few things, and drove the 5 hours to my sister's home hoping I would make it in time to say goodbye.

I arrived at my sister's home shortly after the ambulance had transported our mom.  The hospice nurse was there and making sure we had all of the comfort medications and supplies, etc.  A short time later a beautiful young woman arrived, complete with a warm smile, and an air of confidence. Ashley was our night CNA assigned to assist us with caring for our mother and yet doing so much more.  I found it difficult to sleep that night so Ashley and I stayed up and talked.  Although I am old enough to be her mother, it felt like we had been friends forever.  She told me about her diagnosis of Leukemia when she was a young teen and her successful remission.  We talked about her dancing and her career with a ballet company that was cut short by another cancer diagnosis and her current treatments.  She had just started chemo the month before and had shaved off over 18 inches of her hair.  I talked about my work as a therapist and my how I was struggling with my doctoral program. We talked about my new grandson and how I wished that he would have had the chance to know my mom.  We talked about her plans to enter nursing school and to become a Hospice nurse as soon as possible.  While we talked she cared for my mother - gently, professionally, compassionately.  

Over the course of the next 9 days, I looked forward to Ashley's shifts and our talks.  The night mom died, it was Ashley that came upstairs to wake me - giving me a chance to tell mom goodbye before she drew her last breath.  It was Ashley that took a beautiful picture of our entwined hands - my sister's, my mom's, and mine - before the funeral home took her away.  A chance meeting with an angel who turned out to be a lifelong friend.  

Six years later a lot has happened.  We have never seen each other in person again but we stay in touch.  She is a nurse.  She got married and is an amazing step-mother. She beat cancer for the second time.  She has hair again but this is the way I remember her

and the way I remember the way she provided care to me as much as she did my mom.  

Reading and reminiscing...

I was reading a blogpost tonight about a woman who found out as she entered a grocery store chain that her father had completed suicide.  In that darkest moment of her life she was recalling all of the strangers who offered comfort, solace, and tangible evidence that goodness and kindness still exist in this broken world.  At the end of the blog was a request for story submissions about a time when a stranger or someone who I didn't know well touched my life in a profound way.  The submission is to be in the form of a blog post, hence my cruise through memory land. I can't believe it's been 2 years since I posted last.  SO much has changed.  So much chaos is in my life right now.  I don't have the energy to write about it all now but I am going to make this a priority in my life.  I have let myself down quite a bit lately.  I've ignored my own self-care and reverted back to my "momma fix it" mode.  So I need this.  I need to have one space that is peacefully mineTHis .  I should probably add a pic or two to mark the passage of time:

This is the precious little boy of my earlier posts at nearly 6 years of age and his new little brother.  Yep... a LOT has happened in two years...