Sunday, April 22, 2012

Soul Restoration

I have spent this past week in several hours of self-reflection as I answered the guided journal exercise.  This is the first exercise in the Brave Girls Club Soul Restoration 2 online course which I started last Tuesday.  I, like other class members, tend to over think the answers as if we are being graded by some cosmic headmaster and the fruition of our future dreams and visions depend on saying "just the right thing."  Oh, I wish it were true.  I wish that just by writing down over and over again that I am achieving balance and letting go of old hurts that I can wake up tomorrow or the next day with it all figured out.  I do believe with all of my heart that the laws of attraction bring to us what we ask for.  But what if we ask for the wrong thing?  What if we don't have a clue what we really want? The what ifs will make us crazy.

I wish I had a way to do a word usage generator on a handwritten document.  I have a feeling several words would float to the top of the leader board:  Balance. Abundance. Letting Go. Family. Friends. Peace. Harmony. Fairness. Equality. Healing. These are definitely the things I hope for - for me... for my family.  But is this enough?  How do we ever know?  I guess that's part of the discovery process.  Being open and receptive to whatever the Universe wants for each of us - and being flexible - allows the abundance to flow to and through us.  At least that's what I intend to attract!

I can't wait for next week's class.  I can't wait to see where this path is leading.  Now if I could only find the motivation I need to start writing on my dissertation chapters!


Saturday, April 21, 2012

Change sucks

but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), it's necessary.  I found this unattributed quote tonight and it seems to sum up how I've been feeling lately:

“As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.” ~Anonymous.

All relationships change.  It's inevitable.  The inevitability doesn't make it any less painful.  But, I've weathered worse... and, in reality... what I'm feeling may be nothing.  It may just be a series of missed opportunities, of exhaustion and life getting in the way.  I hope so.  However, no matter what, I will keep this quote in my heart.

Onto a slightly different topic... I've started a new online class called Soul Restoration 2.  We're in the first week and the assignment is filling out 14 pages of prompted self-reflections.  Wow... It's not easy writing for just me... and keeping the authenticity and honesty flowing.  I don't know about you, but I find it easier to be authentic with a presumed audience that with my own self.  Is that weird or normal?  I had to go back through the sheets and refine some of my responses because I felt I was trying to please a phantom reader - you know - say what you think they want to hear?  I think I've been trying to write my responses based on what I think I want to hear. Ok... that's making me dizzy!  I have to start just writing from the authentic center of my soul - pain, ugliness, harsh reality, and all.

Anyway - the end result of this journey should be a mixed media vision journal of the life I want to have.  I guess I have to work on being open and receptive to what the universe has in store for me...instead of what I think I want it to say.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I just needed to get this off my chest...

I am feeling very vulnerable today.  Well... actually, it's been a few weeks that I've noticed old insecurities creeping in. It reached a pinnacle of self-pity last night as I watched the Lionel Richie special and bawled my eyes out because I felt like I was in mourning over our relationship.  I guess that happens when you feel more connected to someone than they show* you that they are.  I let my imagination run to the "she must be mad at me... I am a bother to her... I've done something to screw up our relationship" cesspool and drink deeply.  I don't want to.  I really don't want to be that insecure, needy, codependent, passive, self-centered person anymore.  I don't want to need validation that our love and connection are solid - but I do.  There... I've said it.  I need to know that I am thought about sometimes; that she turns to tell me something or ask my opinion about something and realize that I am not sitting there just like it happens to me most days.  I need to know it's ok that I sometimes screw up and say the wrong thing.  And what I really need is to stop putting so much responsibility on her.  Maybe that's why she is so silent right now.  I suck too much energy out of the room.  So... what will be my affirmation today?  "I am sucking less energy?"  Or, "I let go of my relationships and let them be what they will be" knowing full well that if I believe this, let it go, that I risk a change so drastic that I might never breathe again?  But isn't that what unconditional love means?  Isn't that what I preach to my clients each and every day?  I have to let go. I have to stop expecting others to show (*aka PROVE) that I am important in their lives.  "I am open and ready to receive love in whatever form it chooses me. I let go of all strings and conditions."  Hmmm... still have to work on that affirmation.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Reflections on Lent

Things I learned during my Lenten fast:
  1. This isn’t a new year’s resolution.  It’s a disciplinary practice to make us think about our priorities.  
  2. Relapse happens.  The point is not to give up when we blow it but to figure out how and why we continue to make that “priority” more important than our commitment to our spiritual practices.
  3. Every time you think about your “forbidden” thing you have the opportunity to think about how this thing takes over your life and your other commitments.  It’s not so much that you quit a bad habit or take on a healthier one – what do you do with the time you would have spent on this?  What do you do with the money you spent on this? Are you more consciously aware? Are you willing to spend your time and money on something that brings you closer to your spiritual self instead?
  4. Has my “fast” moved me to be more thoughtful in my practice or use of that priority I gave up?  My fast did not stop me from getting incensed at the political stupidity that has been running rampant.  It did not keep me from feeling ashamed of the people who still believe that by sharing we lose.  Yet, I have stopped letting every idiotic, prejudiced, ignorant political attack rile me to the point of rage.  I have learned that no one listens to ranting – it just makes them look at you like you’re a crazy person. I’ve been rereading a lot more of the quotes attributed to Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi lately.  
  5. I have also learned that the reason I get so riled up has a lot to do with my own feelings that others think I’m unintelligent just because I think we should all have the same rights and privileges.  My own feelings of inadequacy and insignificance contribute to my anger about a lot of things.  Self-affirmation is a daily practice that has to happen long past 40 days.
  6. I have learned that I am guilty of the sin of generalization.  I thought I was good at carefully wording my thoughts to avoid this. Evidently, I don’t do so well when it’s a group with whom I wholeheartedly disagree.  I have been working on not lumping “all conservatives” into the same pit and I continue to work on not letting the over-generalization of “us filthy liberals” make me forget all that I’ve learned.
  7. I have been reminded that I am in control of my feelings and, therefore, can choose how I express them.   And, although I am in charge of how I feel and respond to anything – I am not in charge of the outcome.  Ever.
  8. I think the biggest lesson for me is that it is absolutely ok to be passionate.  It is absolutely ok to act passionately.  And it is absolutely, 100% OK for me to share that passion with others.  The part of the lesson that I still have to work on is that it’s absolutely ok for your passion to differ from mine. 

I hope your Lenten season (whether you participated in fasting or not) has been a beautiful and meaningful time of self-discovery.   

Palm and Easter Sundays 2012