Change sucks

but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), it's necessary.  I found this unattributed quote tonight and it seems to sum up how I've been feeling lately:

“As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.” ~Anonymous.

All relationships change.  It's inevitable.  The inevitability doesn't make it any less painful.  But, I've weathered worse... and, in reality... what I'm feeling may be nothing.  It may just be a series of missed opportunities, of exhaustion and life getting in the way.  I hope so.  However, no matter what, I will keep this quote in my heart.

Onto a slightly different topic... I've started a new online class called Soul Restoration 2.  We're in the first week and the assignment is filling out 14 pages of prompted self-reflections.  Wow... It's not easy writing for just me... and keeping the authenticity and honesty flowing.  I don't know about you, but I find it easier to be authentic with a presumed audience that with my own self.  Is that weird or normal?  I had to go back through the sheets and refine some of my responses because I felt I was trying to please a phantom reader - you know - say what you think they want to hear?  I think I've been trying to write my responses based on what I think I want to hear. Ok... that's making me dizzy!  I have to start just writing from the authentic center of my soul - pain, ugliness, harsh reality, and all.

Anyway - the end result of this journey should be a mixed media vision journal of the life I want to have.  I guess I have to work on being open and receptive to what the universe has in store for me...instead of what I think I want it to say.