Musings of a Cluttered Brain

Challenge #56 Non Dom v2

2012-02-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

Back in the Spring, Diva challenged us to use our non-dominant hand to create a tile or Zentangle inspired art piece. Once again, we are challenged to create a complete tile using only our non-dominant hand. For me - it's my left hand. I can actually write a little with my left hand. It comes from years of self-preservation - my mother was a leftie and if I sat on the wrong side of her at dinner we'd clash elbows! Anyway - drawing is a little trickier. I found that despite my best efforts (that would be with brows furrowed and tongue sticking out) my hand would shoot off in odd directions spasmodically. It was actually pretty funny. Interestingly, I seemed to only be able to work from left to right. When I use my right hand I am not that "linear."

I tend to tangle when I need to focus. If I have to sit and listen, I find that tangling helps me focus and absorb what I am learning. I discovered that tangling with my non-dominant hand interfered with my auditory processing. I was listening to a lecture online this week and, as usual, found my attention wandering. I figured that I'd work on the challenge to help me focus... uhm... yeah... not so much. I had to stop so I could "tune back in" to the lecture. I suppose it has to do with dominant hemisphericity. Hmmm...that could be an interesting study someday.

Happy whole-brained tangling!

Challenge #54 Purple

2012-01-17T21:35:00.000-05:00

I love purple... I wear purple a lot ("when I grow old I'm going to wear purple...") - it's a color that makes me happy. I was delighted when Diva chose purple as this week's theme. So much so that I created two offerings:

Background using Tombow Purple and
Marvy Le Plume Violet Watercolor Pens

Color added with Marvy Le Plume Violet

Happy Tangling!

Happy New Year - Challenge 53

2012-01-10T20:40:00.000-05:00

New Year - new beginnings. I don't believe in making resolutions. I try to avoid setting myself up for failure whenever possible. However, as some of you know, I am working on my dissertation towards completion of a doctoral degree in psychology. So - my resolve is to get past the blocks I've encountered up until this point and make significant progress in the coming weeks and months. Zentangle is and will be a very large part of this process! Here is my homage to Diva's "Undine" - SO glad to be back!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-17T21:02:00.000-05:00

I love Diva's challenge - number 52 - wow... it's hard to believe we've been at this a year (although I joined the party kind of late). Anyway - the challenge is to "give" Zentangle this year and I've already done that. Unfortunately - I rarely remember to take pictures of what I give to others. So I will just report out.

First of all, I introduced a young friend to Zentangle the other night. She, her mother, and I sat around their dining table and drew tangles for a couple of hours. She loves to draw and was trying to convince her mother to run to the local hobby store as I left.

A very dear friend of mine has been incredibly hurt by someone she trusted. It ended up costing her job and her self-esteem. As I was sitting and holding her in my thoughts, I meditated with my tile and pen. The result was her initial embellished with my favorite, comforting tangles. I sent it to her with a card that was able to capture what I was feeling for her.

A few months ago I found a "slate" board - white board covered with black. Using an etching tool, I created a Z I A which I then gave to a friend as a housewarming gift. I had already given him my very first tile - done when he was going through a very tough time and another one when his little niece was born 3 months prematurely. He's going to frame them as a grouping which makes me feel very happy.

I've posted in the past about the larger pieces I've done - the tree of life for my heart sister, Kat and the spiral for my son. It seems that I am most inspired by the transitions of life. I am most grateful for this forum to share these various inspirations and transitions with a fantastic group of artists.

I wish you all peace in this world of uncertainty. May your holidays - whatever and however you celebrate - be blessed.

See you in the new year!
Namaste and happy tangling!

#49 Red Thread Challenge

2011-11-26T20:44:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving and Advent (starting tomorrow, of course) to all.

This week's challenge was so much fun. I loved creating a tile using a red string. The challenge comes from Cris Letournea. More info about the "red thread promise" project can be found on her blog Tangled Up in Art. I hope to send my tile and I can't wait to see the poster!

My family (sans son who was working at his new job and was sorely missed!) had a great time together over the past 3 days. Truly, we have so much for which to be thankful. I would share more but I am exhausted after traveling and babysitting so I'll just leave it for now. I hope to post some Advent musings in a few days. For now, I hope you can find ways to give charitably this Christmas/Hanukkah/Solstice/Yule season. I would venture to guess that most of us could forego the malls and stores altogether this year (shop small and buy locally) giving thoughtful, heartfelt tokens of love and remembrance instead. I hope you find ways to make this season meaningful for you and your loved ones no matter how or what you celebrate. And, as always,

Happy Tangling!

I'm back! Challenge 48

2011-11-19T09:59:00.000-05:00

After a few weeks' hiatus, I finally completed one of Diva's challenges to post! Yea. Actually, I did two. Last Monday I was waiting for my friend while she completed some routine health exams. I had drawn the tri-shapes string but had no resources with me to try out tangle patterns I'd never used. So... the first one uses patterns I seem to use all of the time - Flux, Florz, Knightsbridge, Cadent, Purk, etc.

I came back home after a long weekend with my friends and helping my daughter's family move and
decided I would try the string again following Diva's challenge - use tangles I have not used before. That was a pretty difficult task. Even though I don't use a lot of them all of the time I have played with most that I have found in my books and on Linda Farmer's Tangle Patterns site. I used a few that I will probably use more often and some - well - maybe I just need to practice a bit more!

In case you're interested - the tangles I used are: BB, Bilt, Bitten, Bumps, Demi, Florez, Gothic, Hepmee, Japonica, Popsicles, Punch, Unyuns, and Wisket.

Indulgence and Challenge #45

2011-10-27T22:43:00.000-04:00

This week's challenge is to use a new tangle pattern by Rick and Maria - Chainging/Punzel - I may work on a tile later that center's on this pattern but for now I have placed it in a large piece I've been working on all week for my son. I like the tangle - it has so many possibilities.

So that was the challenge part... now for the indulgence. I have been working on how to express my thoughts and feeling to my son all week - and I suppose this is a pretty public forum in which to do it. So if you have other things to do, you can stop reading now. However, you are welcome to stay - I'd be honored to tell you about my son and how very proud of him I am...

He's my first born. He's an artist, a poet, a musician, and a dreamer. He's an old soul.- perceptive, compassionate, and not afraid to be vulnerable. A rare thing in someone so young - a pretty rare thing in our typical macho culture. Recently, my son shared with me that he was longing to do something different with his life. He was looking for a career move - work that would feed his soul as well as his wallet. He loves where he has been living - the city of his birth. A move he made a year ago with a lot of hopes and expectations. Not all of them worked out as he hoped, but I think he's enjoyed his life there. He found time to play, to create, to relate, and to grow up a bit. But it seemed life was calling him to leave the safety of "home" - to leave the familiarity of the coffee shop, his family of choice, and the protection of the mountains. So he applied for a job a few months ago which recently came to fruition. He starts on Tuesday. New month - new opportunities. New challenges, friends... all mixed with a healthy dose of anxiety and anticipation.

He will moving to Florida to work with kids who have blown their chances in the traditional world - kids who have made poor choices; kids who have been abused, forgotten, neglected - some who have never been able to learn how to deal with life. He will be living in a wilderness setting with these kids - 24/7 - for 5 days per week... living in a communal setting when off duty and trying to find a little space in his down time to explore his new surroundings and himself.

There are times when a mom has no words to express the depth and breadth of her feelings for her children. One such time was a year and a half ago as I stood by my daughter's side as she gave birth to her son - my first grandchild. Watching her grown into motherhood has been so amazing. Now, my son is carving his path in this world. I love them both so much. I am so very proud.

The ZIA piece I have created incorporates several blessings by Father John O'Donahue, an Irish Priest who sadly passed away a few years ago. I just discovered his writings this year and I feel so blessed every time I read his words. His book, "To Bless the Space Between Us" is a wonderful collection of blessings and musings on life - all aspects of life. Check it out sometime... I can't recommend it highly enough. Anyway -

I used the November 2011 calendar page created by Carole Ohl for my background/canvas. The spiral blessing represents the paths we walk in life - leading us, if we pay attention, into the core of our soul. The tangles were chosen randomly, attempting balance between curvy and straight, soft and hard edges - I think, life.

If you've read this far, I thank you for sharing this moment with me. I am going to miss my son so much but, as I keep reminding myself, he's not going into the depths of the Congo. He's going to Florida! And he will have access to the internet on his days off. I've grown accustomed to his being only 2 hours away. Yet - I am so proud of him. I am so honored to know him. I am working on being open and allowing all of the good the universe has for him!

I leave you with this blessing from Fra. O'Donahue:

For the Artist at the Start of the Day:

May morning be astir with the harvest of night;

Your mind quickening to the eros of a new question,

Your eyes seduced by some unintended glimpse

That cut right through the surface to a source.

May this be a morning of innocent beginning,

When the gift within you slips clear

Of the sticky web of the personal

With its hurt and its hauntings,

And fixed fortress corners.

A morning when you become a pure vessel

for what wants to ascend from silence,

May your imagination know

The grace of perfect danger,

To reach beyond imitation,

And the wheel of repetition,

Deep into the call of all

The unfinished and unsolved

Until the veil of the unknown yields

And something original begins

To stir toward your senses

And grow stronger in your heart

In order to come to the birth

In a clean line of form,

That claims from time

A rhythm not yet heard,

That call space to

A different shape.

May it be its own force field

And dwell uniquely

Between the heart and the light

To surprise the hungry eye

By how deftly it fits

About its secret loss.

Happy Tangling!

All Tangled Up Inside (Challenge 44)

2011-10-20T20:30:00.000-04:00

I missed last posting last week's challenge. I did it... it just took me a week. I loved the concept of the sunflower, though, and I love this week's challenge to put a tangle inside a tangle. For my "string-tangle" I chose Flux. I seem to put this tangle in nearly every tile I draw so it's fitting, I think, to use it as my string.

The tangles inside the "petals" are: Betweed, Meer, Pepper w/ Mumsy, Florz w/ Squid, and Cadent. This is the first time I've used Meer and Pepper. Between the petals are Oof, Keenies, Limpitz, and Printemps topped off with Pendrils and Pokeroot.

Now - off for my weekend with my dear Maggiekat and precious Noah (and of course his mommy and uncle!) Maybe between challenges I'll blog about some of the changes happening in our family but for now -

Happy Tangling!

Hope

2011-10-06T23:04:00.000-04:00

This week's challenge is in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness - the theme is hope.

Most of the time the challenge is finding the time to tangle or learning a new pattern. The challenge for me this week was how to depict something as elusive as the concept of hope. So many tangible and concrete things represent hope to me: a baby, the first daffodils peeking through snow, a cocoon, a job application, a lottery ticket. I had a very hard time finding the one thing that inspires me to hope. I started by drawing a double-string of the word "hope." And then it dawned on me - rainbows. I love color and light. In lighting, white light is the presence of all color. Rainbows visually represent the entire refracted spectrum. When combined, the result is pure white light. Healing light. Hopeful light. So... here are my interpretations.

A full spectrum of hope

The names bordering the ribbon are special people in my life - family and friends - who have been touched by cancer. Both my mother, Louise, and sister, Judy, survived cancer. My mother succumbed to Alzheimer's Disease July 2010.

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.” Emily Dickinson

Without hope dreams are meaningless. Without hope we wouldn't put one foot in front of the other or dare to believe that a cure for cancer can be found in our lifetime. So, I wish you hope. And light.

Namaste - and happy tangling!

Weekly Challenge #41: DuoTangle v. II "Jonqal/Opus"

2011-09-26T23:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the weekly challenges come easily, sometimes I get so bogged down in the trying that I never get anything done. I appreciate the challenges, though. It seems that I usually remember them at a time when I need to think something through. Or a time when I am feeling particularly vulnerable (and struggling with accepting the vulnerability wholeheartedly). This is one of those days - inexplicably out of sorts...feeling like I have done (or not done as the case may be) something wrong...maybe just something thoughtless. I don't know why except I'm exhausted and I haven't been sleeping. But lo! and behold... a challenge comes along to at least let me clear my head even if I have nothing figured out. For once I have no opinion about my tile... I neither love nor dislike it. I offer it as it is unconditionally. Maybe in the letting go I'll figure out what is bother me.

Jonqal and Opus

Happy tangling.

#40 Pinwheels for Peace

2011-09-20T21:26:00.000-04:00

"I am the Diva's" challenge this week reminds us that September 21, 2011 is the International Day of Peace. The website for Pinwheels for Peace will give you all the information for this year's project. I hope you will visit.

The zentangle challenge is to create a pinwheel however we are inspired to do so. I thought about it for quite awhile. I looked at the template on Diva's site as well as the pictures on Pinwheels for Peace. In a moment of bizarre inspiration (I say bizarre because I was between clients at work and it just came to me) I decided to create a pinwheel out of a tangled tile. I used a peace sign string that overlapped the edges of the tile and then tangled the peace sign with Xyp. Pais (a close approximation to Paix) and Inapod (Peas... as in whirled peas) complete the background. I cut the tile on the corners and folded it to create a mini pinwheel.

Thanks for stopping by, Happy Tangling!

Shalom. Paz. Paix. Frieden. Pace. Pax. Peace.

Love means...

2011-09-13T23:49:00.000-04:00

I truly appreciate Diva's challenge this week. In tribute to the events of 9/11/01 and to advent healing for the world, Challenge #39 is to create a representation of love. Before I even remembered it was Monday, I had been working on a tile for 9/11. Another Sunday Sermon tangle that was born out of the emotion I was feeling.

So sometime on Monday I opened Diva's site and realized that she had posted this week's challenge (I think that's when I realized it was really Monday!) I really loved her "love" tile. Her quotes and verses to illustrate love were spot on. Laura wrote: "So, this week the challenge is Love. Whatever it sparks in you, however you want to interpret it. As long as you do so with the spirit of love, because through love we have the ability to change the world."

The first thing that popped in my head was "mother love." I can think of nothing more precious than mother-love (unless, of course, it's grandmother love!) so here is how the challenge sparked in me.

In the words of the immortal words of Mahatma Ghandi: "Where there is love, there is life."

Namaste and happy tangling!

2011-09-09T18:26:00.000-04:00

A paradox? A paradox, a most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
but none to beat this paradox! (From Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan)

Sort of works with this week's theme of a Pair of Ducks by Laura (I am the Diva) Harms, don't you think?

Using a monotangle - this time Paradox - create a tile or zentangle inspired art. I love Paradox... actually, I really like paradoxes (paradoces? paradices?) They make for lively twists and turns in most of my favorite novels, plays, and movies.

I've been drawing this particular pattern long before I had even heard of Zentangle. I used to "doodle" this little paradox all over my math papers (and got into mega-trouble for it, too! "Martha, you are not focusing!" -- oh, little did she know. Anyway, I digress...) I love how straight lines curve and trick the eye. Well, admittedly, not all of my lines are that straight, but you get the picture. Here are my offerings this week:

My first attempt.... I see doves' wings

I added little eyes (a la Leeanne's birds)

This one used the mandala pattern from several challenges ago

I love holly leaves, too, so I combined holly and paradox. Even the berries got a paradox treatment.

Last, but not least, Paradox on Paradox (on Paradox)

See - I told you I really like this pattern. I hope you do, too.

Now off to dinner and a movie with my hubby - a VERY rare occurrence! Happy Tangling!

Kiss my grids!

2011-09-01T22:13:00.000-04:00

This is the 37th challenge from "I am Diva" and it's a doozie: create a tile using only grid patterns. I jumped right in and thought, "I got this."

First lesson learned - don't make your string so elaborate.

Second lesson learned: tiles have a way of turning out the way they are supposed to - not how you plan them to (kind of like life).

This one was sort of a tile-in-tile look - not exactly what I was going for... but oh well.

Then I had a vision of a cracked wall with a pattern peeking out from underneath. Yeah... well... I guess it looks sort of like peeled back wallpaper but I was a little happier with this one.

So - then I decided to try simplifying my string AND just letting the patterns find their own place... Still not very satisfied but I like this one better:

Of course - the true challenge is to take a risk, put something out there, and have fun doing it. - to unconditionally accept the effort without judgment. Another metaphor for life, maybe?

Oh.... one more thing. a couple of posts ago I wrote that I did challenge #35 but that I wasn't going to beat myself up for not getting it posted in time. I figured this was as good a place/time as any to post it:

#35 Tile in a Tile

Now I need to rest up. My little bug is here for the weekend. I'm going to need all of the energy I can get!

Worn out from playing with Poppa!

Happy tangling - and happy Labor Day!

Dish it up...

2011-08-28T19:41:00.000-04:00

This has been a weekend for projects. I worked on my dissertation topic some more and am in another waiting phase for feedback from my mentor. So what do I do while I'm waiting? I tangle, of course!

I am not sure how I ended up with so many projects at one time, though. Well... yes I do, too. I started one several weeks (months?) ago and found a spurt of inspiration last week with some new tangles to try. And then, a friend approached me today about donating a couple of "art" plates to a local silent auction/fund raiser for our local AIDs awareness and treatment non-profit organization. (By the way, it's called Upper-Savannah-Care-Services-Dishing-It-Out-In-Greenwood if anyone wants to take a look). He said, "Your Zentangle (R) stuff would be really cool. So - after running around to a few stores for white plates and a paint pen, I sat down this afternoon and whipped up a couple of plates.

First of all, tangling with a paint pen can be frustrating. I could not find an ultra fine pen so I had to settle for fine. Also, the tip dries pretty quickly so you have to keep shaking and priming it. However, the quick dry part is good for larger pieces so you don't run your hands through it.

One of the plates I chose was a Corelle pattern that already had a "string" on it! I didn't add any additional strings to this one... I just tangled where I felt like it - letting on pattern melt into another. Another issue with paint on a surface like corelle or china is that shading is not really an option. So the depth I might get by shading didn't happen. Here's a shot of my progress about 1/2 way through...

And here's the finished product:

That one was so much fun that I decided to do another. This was a square salad size plate with an inch border: I used a Tombow gray marker to create my string then tangled it like the first one:

This one is oriented correctly

This one flipped clockwise when I uploaded it!

And here are both plates ready for the auction! Well - almost. I have to spray them with a poly coat first...

Another project that is nearly completed is my "envisioning" piece. I took the 3" tiles and traced them randomly on a large 16x20 cotton fiber paper. I drew a string behind all of the tiles and tangled the spaces as I felt led. Some tangles were chosen because of their "elemental" meaning - droplets and waves for water, florz, and knightsbridge for their foundation/earth feel - others were chosen because they represent something important to me - the scrolls represent my degree completion, jetties always look like bouncy-balls so they represent my grandson, etc. And Abbe Road (among others) reminds me of my anam cara, MaggieKat. All of these things are important in my life and in my vision of my future life of abundant joy and well-being. Now I need to search for the right words or images to add in the tile spaces. I hope someone else will take a chance on some Z.I.A. (zentangle inspired art) and envision their own perfect self.

Initial draft from my sketchbook

Just need to add my visions now!

OK... one more. I wanted to try the new tangle Tuftid on Linda Farmer's Tangle Patterns site. I tend to tangle at times when I have to be quiet or still - neither of which are easy for me. So - I typically start a tangle during church (I know people wonder what on earth I'm doing, but I think I'm less distracting when I tangle than when I fidget!). Here's Tuftid and friends:

Happy Tangling!

Challenge #36 Assunta

2011-08-23T23:18:00.000-04:00

This week's challenge is definitely challenging! Assunta is a tangle created to celebrate Zentangle co-creator, Maria's, 60th birthday. (Happy belated birthday, Maria!) To add to my stress (wait - this isn't supposed to be stressful!) - uh - challenge I added MaggieKat's AbbeRoad - well - I tried to. I am going to work on both of these some more. I like them but I am a little daunted by them. To "round" things off I added Fricle - another newer offering by Julie Evans, CZT plus a couple of tried and true favorites.

Happy Tangling!

Challenge-ing week

2011-08-21T10:39:00.000-04:00

So I really loved the tile-in-tile challenge for this week. I actually created two tiles early on. I didn't scan or upload either one. Maybe later. Or not. I don't care.

The real challenge for this week has been acknowledging that I am getting old. My body just cannot do as much as it used to. I can't chase a 16-month old little boy, worry and care for his mom's post-operative needs, eat sporadically ( if at all), while dwelling on whether or not someone will decide that my job is superfluous before I get back without my body and my psyche screaming at me. Despite my most enlightened efforts I still care way too much about things I cannot control. I care about not being important enough to those who are most important to me. I care way too much about my often-rigid rules of "do unto others." The thing is - no one has done anything wrong, overt, or even remotely out of character for me to feel this way right now. It is all a manufactured construct of my own doing. But that is what happens when that insecure part of me forgets to breathe and forgive myself for whatever keeps me insecure.

Sometimes I have to just let go of expectations that my (rigid?) expectations will actually turn out the way I planned. Sometimes I have to accept that I absolutely cannot be everywhere for everyone and that the consequences to my choices means that I may miss out on some memory-making moments. When I give in to that sort of thinking, I taint what could have been a sweet, companionable time of just "being with" those I love. What I tend to end up with is a plateful of resentment, longing, or a sense of loss.

So... here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to follow Martha Beck's advice. Right now... today... this very minute I am choosing to love more by caring less. I will practice daily (hourly?...minute-by-minute?) by letting go of conditions that I place on relationships, of expectations that keep me disappointed and insecure. I will ask for others' opinions and defer to the choices and wishes of others when necessary - negotiation and compromise are a part of healthy relationships that have nothing to do with conditional or unconditional love. I will no longer make my relationships contingent upon my "if only" conditions. So if you hear me say "I don't care," what I mean is that I simply and unconditionally just love you. (That goes for my little insecure self, too.)

None of us can predict which choice will bring us the most satisfaction or pleasure or gain. I accept and allow that I will continue to make choices that are as well thought out as I can manage and that I will continue to blow it more times than I can probably count. That goes for everyone and everything else in my life, too. I will not hold others to a different standard than I hold me. I accept and allow that what is just simply "is" and move on. I will love more by caring less about others' choices, what others' think about me, what has happened in the past or may come in the future.

So love me or not... accept me or not... agree with me... or not. I lovingly, honestly, and simply do not care.

"Every experience in my life has shaped me to be where I am at this very moment. I am exactly who I am supposed to be." Dr. Darren R. Weissman

Namaste

More Opposites...

2011-08-13T15:09:00.000-04:00

Hmmmm... I can't seem to stop. This was a fun challenge with many possibilities for opposites. I used a straight string - my initials (hence the title of the piece "initial response" - which it wasn't but...) and curvy tangles. But I also used black on white and white on black. What fun. I kind of like how it turned out.

Challenge 34

2011-08-12T18:31:00.000-04:00

I'm still figuring out all of the ins and outs of posting my blogs and making then accessible. I am really enjoying looking at all of the variations of the challenge themes each week. I especially like how we are all at different levels of techniques and craftsmanship but how each tile is so uniquely beautiful. I initially discarded my early attempts at this week's challenge.... I never really finished either one. However, I rethought this and decided to post them anyway...

Well... not sure why the second one uploaded sideways... but you get the picture!

Have a good weekend, y'all. Can't wait to see what next week's challenge will bring!

Opposites Attract

2011-08-11T21:07:00.000-04:00

Oh... yes they do. I'm living proof in so many ways!

It's been an interesting week that has included a mental health day where I did nothing but watch some DVR'd TV, lurked around on facebook, and was (negatively) inspired to write a piece in this space on leadership. (you can find it in the side bar if you're interested in reading rants). I also tangled. A lot. It was a good day.

This week's guest challenge by Christina (stART) encourages us to use either a curvy string or a straight string and fill it with the opposite tangle patterns. I loved the challenge so much I jumped right in...and hated both of my first attempts (one of each). That's what happens when I try to control the outcome of my tiles! Those two are not included here. I took a step back and just let the idea of opposites roll around in my head for awhile. A much better plan...

I like the first one better...

I discovered something while working on this challenge. Previously, Diva challenged us to use all straight tangles and then another one we used all curvy ones. I remarked then that I like the combination of straight and curvy - the yin and yang of using both types in a tile or larger piece. In this challenge, the struggle to stick with one form of tangle became even more apparent even though we were using both curves and angles. I think it is obvious that parts of the tiles are very contrived - I needed one more of whichever type I was using to finish instead of just flowing with whatever came to me.

So last night during choir practice (shhhh... don't tell my husband, the director) I drew a very swirly string and straight patterns just started filling the spaces. Except for one. And I won't point it out but I don't like it and will probably not use it again. However, I believe we have to stretch and explore areas with which we are not always so comfortable. So here is "choir practice."

Keep stretching! Keep tangling!

In my humble opinion...

2011-08-09T13:25:00.000-04:00

which usually prefaces a statement that really means "I'm right and you're a dunderhead!" I recognize that not everyone shares my sometimes skewed thought processes so I offer my opinions with the full knowledge that some might disagree. That's cool. I don't mind discourse and debate - just as long as we can agree to disagree without rancor or name-calling.

The current climate in our country - maybe even across the globe - is full of disagreement and disagreeable people. There is no discourse or debate. "If I want your opinion I'll give it to you." But I'm not going to discuss the current economic crisis, the Tea Party-ers, or the rabid "platform only - who cares about the people" politics. I'm not even going to discuss religion versus spirituality, although I certainly have opinions about all of that.

As an aside I've decided that I'm not completely left, socialist, anarchist, or new age. I am most definitely not a right wing, fundamentalist, religious zealot. But I'm not a moderate, either. I think I'm a hybrid. I believe in Christian principles yet I refuse to align myself with what is being passed off as Christianity today. I think if Jesus were here (physically - not going to get into the "he's always with us" debate) today I think he'd be doing more than weeping. I think he'd be leading the revolution against those who insist on perpetrating violence and hate in his name! I believe that he'd be knocking a few heads together and saying "Stop it - go sit in your corner and don't come out until you can play nice in the sandbox!" The sad thing is that the very people to whom this might be addressed will automatically assume it's directed elsewhere. That's part of the problem - no accountability. No personal responsibility. Ah well... time to move in a different direction. I'm feeling my blood pressure rise.

Today I am thinking about leadership and what it does not mean. So many in leadership positions seem to believe that in order to lead they have to be above those they lead. Whether that is a physical, fiscal, emotional, or philosophical position, the divide is obvious. The chasm is wide and getting wider. Whatever the industry, many of those who rise to power positions tend to forget in short order from whence they came. I am being very careful not to use "always" or "never" language because I know some of the exceptions to the norm. Thankfully. But I also know some folks who epitomize this as well. Some figures are well known - politicians, religious leaders, CEOs of major corporations (especially financial and energy corporations). Some are lesser known folks who circle around my own little, tiny world. Some of these "leaders" are well respected on the surface. They have an uncanny knack for making people believe that they actually care about them. However, if you sit back and observe...just watch and listen... you see the smile never goes beyond the lips. The words of encouragement and support are never deeper than the veneer on your counter top. Little is done or said or felt that is not carefully calculated and, in some way, self-serving. Yet followers lap up the little doses of attention and feel special when the leader knows their names. They feel blessed and important - called to a higher cause - all because of the leader's charisma and charm.

Am I just being cynical? Are you thinking, as you read this, "oh... she's been passed over or ignored by someone and is feeling jealous"? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not as self-aware as I like to believe. Maybe I really am paranoid and spinning my own version of conspiracy theory. Ok... I really don't think so. I'm not crazy and I'm not paranoid, and I am certainly not jealous. I am sad. I am saddened by the fallout that happens to friends and colleagues when they try to stand up to this sort of tyranny and get slapped down; are told to sit down and shut up. I am mostly sad that this has made most of us afraid. Many of us who do have something to say, something to offer, some vision of a way to peacefully coexist and improve our lives and surroundings sit silently by as our world - personal or global - turns to crap because we abhor confrontation and are afraid of being the lone voice of reason amid the cacophony of hateful shouting. We have seen what happens to profits and decide the risk is too great to jump in front of the train.

Most of us just want to lead quiet, comfortable, and content lives - making a difference where we can and living simply with those we love close by. Is that really too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that our leaders - political, religious, and corporate - take off their blinders and see how much easier their jobs would be if we moved forward to a true sense of collaboration instead of backwards to the feudal system of old?

There's a leadership curriculum that I had the good fortune to teach a few years ago that endorsed that the only way to be a true leader is to adopt a servant leader attitude by collaborating with every level of the work force and involving every mind. By recognizing that everyone within an organization is a leader in some way and by looking to them for solutions instead of seeing the workforce as a liability increases buy-in and loyalty. Fear is not the way to lead. Fear is not the way to get the best out of people. Fear manifests as prejudice, ignorance, and hate which leads to anger which leads to violence which leads to - fear. It is a perpetual spiral into the darkness we are feeling so keenly in every single pore of our existence.

My friend, Tiehead, is a creator. He is also a leader-extraordinaire. His voice has been silenced a few times but he tends to challenge the thinker (the non-thinker doesn't get his stuff!) to rise about the mundane and tired/tried methods into the clouds of risk and innovation. He is my hero. I cannot imagine that he would ever sell out his colleagues for self-preservation. I want to clone him. Yet only as his alter-self can he utter his own musings with total candor. His "known" persona (I won't say "true" because I think his "alter" is his "true" self most of the time) tends to use metaphors and mirrors in order to make a point. I don't think it's fear, per se, but maybe some trepidation that he'd anger the "leaders" who can't see past their own shoelaces. Yet, he does challenge us to think beyond the confines of our small boxes in ways that could possibly make those who want to keep us in those boxes very uncomfortable. I like it. I appreciate it and wish I had more of his chutzpah!

Was there a point to all this musing? There was when I started. I'm not sure I remember what it was. Oh yeah... this rambling was really a not-so-clever attempt to share my thoughts about the predicament into which another one of my friend's has landed. I've carefully tried to paint my opinions and comments with very broad strokes to avoid making this too obvious. I've probably succeeded in being too obtuse. Oh well. This is mostly for my own enjoyment anyway. I have no grand delusions that I actually have a readership! However, should you read this and recognize yourself or someone else - please feel free to comment. No matter on which side of the aisle you find yourself sitting. And while you're at it - say a prayer or send up positive thoughts and energy that more people like Marianne Williamson, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Louise Hay, and Tiehead will continue to emerge from the shadows and speak words of peace and wisdom.

Namaste

Dream Catcher

2011-08-04T21:20:00.000-04:00

Dream Catchers originated with the Ojibwe (Chippewa) but has been adopted by and adapted into other Native American cultures. Dream Catchers draw in good dreams while pushing nightmares through the open spaces, thus protecting babies from restless nights.

The more I thought about Pendrills and my first attempt with this wonderful pattern, I started seeing dream catchers everywhere. I had to give it another go. So, this one is for my sweet grandson. Sweet Dreams!

Challenge #33 Pendrills

2011-08-02T23:19:00.000-04:00

I just need to say that my homemade chocolate zucchini bread is to die for! Ok... now that's out of the way, on to tangling.

This week the challenge is to use a new tangle pattern by Rick and Maria, founders and creators of Zentangle, I have looked at a lot of the other takes on this design and am in awe of the various ways Pendrills has been used by others. I'm still not that comfortable with it but I am going to share what I've done anyway. I wanted to make it stand out in my finished tile...I'm not sure I accomplished that. Oh well.

I practiced awhile last night with branching off in multiple directions and turning the piece. I kept ending up with something that looked like a dream catcher... so I drew a dream catcher! great... I'm having scanning issues. Maybe dream catchers are like faeries... you can't capture them by camera or scanner, it seems. If I figure it out, I'll post it later. Anyway - this is my first attempt at using Pendrills in a tile format

I like parts of it but I like my finished tile better.

I'll post more later when I am feeling less technically frustrated and less disjointed. Mercury in retrograde seems to be messing with me more than usual!

Happy tangling!

Oh - here's the best I can do on the dreamcatcher... sigh

Challenge 32

2011-07-26T21:43:00.000-04:00

I had a great time visiting with the newest edition to our family (well.. MaggieKat's bio family and my family of choice) - KiSSy is a beautiful little angel and she's going to be so much fun to watch grow! And, of course, my own precious Bug was in rare form - at 15 months he's discovering and learning so much. Seeing KiSSy made me miss him as a baby but this stage is fun and funny. Maggie and I have some pretty incredible daughters! And our sons aren't bad either!

So - on to tangling...

Carole Ohl from OpenSeed has provided the guest challenge this week. Using any string we like, we are to use only Pais, Baton, Zedbra, and Keenies to create a tangle. I like all of these tangle patterns, so this was fun. An added bonus is that we can mail the finished product to her to be included in an art show.

If I do decide to send one, which one should I send?

Thanks for the challenge, Carole! (and to you, too, Diva, for creating this space!)

Conflicted, Cynical, and Completely

2011-07-25T22:04:00.000-04:00

over it. The economy slugfest, I mean. I don't want to see services and programs that I feel are important - especially for the people I serve - cut to shreds. I don't want Medicare to be reduced. The elderly and indigent will be the most effected by the cuts. I don't want taxes raised, either, because we all know that the big boys will pass their pain right on down to us serfs. We are thirled, friends. We have a metal band around out necks and we will never be free as long as there are those in power who can hold a budget and an economy hostage, all the while spinning it to look like one man - one lone man - is solely responsible for the cesspool in which we are swimming. I not-so-jokingly said that I'm looking at real estate in New Zealand. I don't want to be driving out of my country. But how long will it take for people to wake up and stop drinking the koolaid? They seem to think that because someone has money and gets elected to one of the highest offices in the nation that somehow that elected official actually cares about the "little guy." They sit at the feet of the exalted like some puppy waiting for the master to drop a morsel. They keep coming back for more even though that same master beats them, neglects them, and, generally, doesn't even like them! One of the saddest things to me is that the older folks who align with the Republicans' POV are scared so they align themselves with the ones who say all the right things. Just like the German people who bought into Hitler's BS. Just like those who followed Jim Jones to the island of oblivion. Blind obedience, blind trust.

Is the President's plan perfect? No. There is no such thing anymore. Is it painful? Of course. You play, you pay. But is it doable? I don't know... but those who do know are so scared he's right that they will do anything - including destroying our economy - to avoid admitting he has something valuable to offer.

Sorry for all of the negativity. I'm going to leave now and tangle for awhile and try to find my Qi again. I am going to read some ACIM, Marianne Williamson, and Louise Hay. I'm going to find that spark of inner peace that lets me go to work tomorrow and try to help my clients find hope to change their lives for the better and try to believe it myself.

I am going to pray for my President and for all of the elected officials. I am going to visualize them coming to the table with one goal in mind - finding a SOLUTION that may compromise some party rhetoric but that provides the best options for those of us who elected them.

Tomorrow - I'll post the fruits of my tangling. For now -- it's watching escapist TV.

2011-07-21T23:26:00.000-04:00

Ruby Toosday

This is Ruby. She has been my steady and reliable ride for 7 1/2 years. Today we said good-bye. Even though it was the right thing to do, I am (possibly irrationally) very sad. How on earth does one get so emotionally attached to a car??? I don't know but I did... I was... I am. I think she was the first car that I ever bought just because I really wanted her. We would see her sitting on the lot every day as we drove to and from work and school. I must have audibly sighed every time we passed because one day my daughter said, "mom - why don't you just stop and take her for a test drive?" So I pulled onto the lot, took her for a spin, and left with a new (to me) car. The best impulse buy I've ever made.

I remember our first trip up into the mountains. This car was built for mountain driving. She's a rally car so she loves sharp curves and hills and valleys. I took her over the Sierras from Modesto, CA to Gardnerville, NV with the stereo blaring out my favorite Eagles and Fleetwood Mac tunes. Perfect freedom. She fit right in in Beverly Hills that time I took my son to check out his new college. She was a trooper trekking across the country with a daughter, a dog, and most of our worldly possessions loaded in her cargo space. And then there was a more recent mountain drive - different coast - when I not only got lost but was running out of gas and (as I discovered almost too late) was completely out of oil! That was an adventure I never want to repeat! Still, she didn't let me down then either.

So why have I given her up? Well... it was time. The fact is, my old body has been making driving a stick shift very difficult lately. And then my daughter, who has a baby and a job and a host of other just-getting-started-in-life worries was complaining about needing a car with better fuel economy so that she didn't spend all of her tips each week on gas. I do believe in divine right timing and synchronicity. Within a couple of days of our conversation, a new listing for the exact car my daughter had mentioned as her ideal popped up on a Google search. It met all of the criteria, was close by, and was in even in her price range. So after a few emails to the dealer, I made the decision to trade Ruby for the new (to her) car and I would take the gas hog she's been driving.

I do not regret the decision. It was the right thing to do. I'm just sad.

I loved Ruby very much, but she was also starting to show her age. It was only a matter of time before she wouldn't be able to go like she has been. And we all know that as we get older, the replacement parts get really expensive! I just pray that whoever owns her next will love her as much as I have.

Ruby handing over the reins to her replacement.

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday.

Who can hang a name on you?

When you change with every new day.

Still I'm gonna miss you...

Welcome to the world, baby girl!

2011-07-20T22:54:00.000-04:00

My most heartfelt congratulations to my best friend, Maggiekat and her family, on the birth of her new granddaughter, Kaelynn (or KiSSy). She was born this evening at 8:53pm EDT. Mother (Kasey) and baby are doing fine. When I got the official word that baby girl had entered the world I had to tangle! I can't wait to meet KiSSy this weekend.

Challenge #31 Fairyland

2011-07-18T20:59:00.000-04:00

A very fun challenge this week. Fairies live among us and are always watching. At least that's the theme of my first tile. I attempted to "channel" what fairies might like in their home... flowers, swirls, flowery vines, a little net (to catch them when they are flying too fast or too close to the ground), and snuggly pods in which to sleep. A dark little cave where they sparkle and shine in the dark (we just think they are fireflies!).

The second tile just feels airy. A little finery, a few aha moments, some printemps, purk, and misty polkleaf - all watched over by the beautiful Bellaposa.

Enjoy playing in your own fairyland this week. I'll be spending some time in my manifestation garden.

Imperfect, Part Deux

2011-07-17T19:36:00.000-04:00

So I really need to remember to spell/grammar check before I post. :-) Please forgive the typos in the last post.

Before the new challenge is revealed...

2011-07-17T19:29:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting weekend. I now know what "bored to tears" means. It's been such a busy summer so far that when I found myself with nothing (that I wanted) to do after I submitted my dissertation topic for review on Saturday morning that I literally cried while watching a Hallmark Channel movie - and, trust me, the movie wasn't good enough to warrant tears! So - I decided to tangle. "Why didn't you think of that earlier," I hear you asking? Ok... so it was a V8 moment, for sure. I had been thinking about what it is that I really want to manifest in my life. I am a firm believer of "be careful what you ask for" - been there, done that, have few scars to prove it! So I sat down and wrote out some notes, placed them on my sketchbook and loosely traced around the notes. I then created a string connecting all of my "non-negotiables" and the following is a draft of what will eventually become a larger piece. The finished piece will use the official Zentangle tiles in place of the post-it notes for larger open spaces to representations of my dreams/desires/needs. You'll see they are not listed on the draft piece... I'm leaving my options open for awhile.

Feeling less "needy" and more centered, I decided to tackle a "tile noir" - I really need to get over my fear of making a mistake... very little in life is truly perfect. It's that erroneous notion that anything we do as humans could ever reach perfection that fuels the pharmaceutical industry (and keeps me in busy during the week). Assuming that others are scrutinizing and judging everything about us - our size, our clothes, our hair cut/color, our messy house, our wayward (read: perfectly normal) children - keeps us in a state of constant panic and self-doubt. Most of the time I am quite capable and successful at letting that stuff go, but when it comes to committing words or lines to paper I feel that old self-judging worry monster crawl up onto my shoulder and whisper negative words of discouragement in my ear. Anyway - last night I flicked the little bugger off my shoulder, grabbed my first black tile and white jelly roll pen and just drew.

I'm a fan. It was fun and I am sure I will like my future attempts much better. But for now, in all of it's imperfection, I kind of like my "dark side."

All in all the weekend has not been as bad as I feared. I had a nice lunch with friends, took a great nap, and then baked homemade whole wheat and flax crackers just because I had all of the ingredients. The cooler temps from the weekend will give way to more high heat and humidity as thee coming week progresses and I am sure there will be a few more challenges. But I am looking forward to seeing where my manifesting takes me and waiting for news of the birth of a new baby girl in my family. Oh, and what new challenge Diva sends our way.

Shalom!

String Theories (Challenges 29 and 30)

2011-07-13T22:19:00.000-04:00

So... I am behind in posting my offerings for the past two weeks' challenges. I wish I could say it's because I've been diligently working on my dissertation but that would be a big, fat fabrication! I really have to buckle down and start working on that. For now, while I wait for inspiration, motivation, mojo, or kick in the pants I will keep tangling!

The first tangle is my take on challenge #30 for which we were asked to use our first and last initials in block or script. Since my first and last are the same, I decided to use one block and one script. I kind of like what I ended up with:

The next are my offerings for challenge #29 which used a real string (or my interpretation of a string) that was weighted. For my weights I used two of my favorite objects: a sodalite pendulum and a double butterfly pendant.

Here's what I ended up with for #29. The first two used the pendulum and the last one used the butterfly/heart necklace:

My next adventure will be using the black tiles! I'm a little intimidated...

I'm behind

2011-07-12T07:36:00.000-04:00

So what else is new?? Between starting a new quarter in my school process (it's dissertation time!) and returning to work after 10 days off, I have fallen behind on posting my weekly Zentangle challenges. I've done #29 but haven't posted it yet. I have added a direct link through the gadget-thingy on the left to the weekly challenges in case you want to play, too.

I'll be back... but for now I really need to get dressed for work.

Challenge #28

2011-06-30T19:01:00.000-04:00

There is a website link on the left bar for "I Am Diva" - Diva is really Laura. She has been challenging us for the past 28 weeks to take tangling to new heights (and depths). I have enjoyed most of them - some have been more challenging than others. All are welcome to play. She creates these lovely slide shows after we submit our offerings that are simply awe-inspiring! So here is my offering for this week's challenge. If you like what you see and want to join in the fun, pop on over to Diva's site.

The patterns used in the challenge are Tripoli (the challenge focus), Droplets, Betweed, and Dex.

Vacation and other restful things

2011-06-30T18:40:00.001-04:00

I am officially on vacation for the next 10 days. I need it. It's one of those concepts that many of us - at least here in America - do not do well. We work long hours under stressful conditions in order to take a break from work for a few days. But how do most of us typically spend that time? By spending hours packing and planning to hurry to some destination where we fill every waking minute with some memory-making activity. And we come home absolutely exhausted. How many of us complain that we had to return to work just to get some rest after our time off? Well - not me. I'm going to the home of my heart to spend several days just being lazy. Oh, we may take a day trip here and there to do some touristy stuff but there will be very few scheduled appointments to keep. I intend to sleep as long as I want, play with my grandson as much as I can, eat until I'm sated, and just be with my family and friends.

I know I will watch a little TV (mostly Jeopardy and NCIS reruns), walk my dogs, do a little window shopping, sip a few iced Americanos, and Zentangle(R). Zentangle (or tangling) has become a new passion. Thanks to my wonderful Anam Cara (soul sister) I have enjoyed many hours of peaceful meditation through drawing one line at a time. It looks like doodling to the uninformed eye - but it's so much more that that. Anyone can do it - if you can hold a pen you can Zentangle. And although there are official patterns, some recommended supplies, and some basic principles by which to align your thinking, there are really no rules and no need for special equipment. You can do it anywhere. I tangle at my doctor's office, on my lunch break at work, and sometimes (shhhhh) in the choir loft on Sunday mornings.

Here is one example. I'll post more.

One day more...

2011-06-29T22:56:00.000-04:00

I have one more day of work before a week long vacation. I need it. I need to recharge some very drained batteries. I love the beach and I love going to new cities and just playing tourist. But my place to just "be" is Asheville. There are so many reasons that I love this place: my children, my best friends, great memories, and a beautiful grandson!

Noah is becoming a toddler... he's entering that most interesting phase of testing the no's and other limits. He never fails to make me laugh whenever I am with him. I seem to be living from visit to visit and this time is no different.

So what else do you do at 3am

2011-06-28T03:36:00.000-04:00

besides sleep, that is?

When my phone rings after midnight it is never a good sign. My daughter's first words were, "I'm not upset. I'm sick." Well, that got me out of bed. As she described her symptoms, I was typing them into a symptom checker - the everyman's self-diagnosis tool! After typing them in about 20 possible problems popped up - and three of them said, "seek immediate medical attention!" Since we live 2 hours apart we had to call on her brother to take her to the ER.

So, it's now 3:40 am on a work night. I've redesigned my blog layout about 6 times. I've played 7 or 9 games of Scrabble and 3 games of online Jeopardy. Of course I'm not going to sleep. I've had three updates so far: registering, waiting room, and the latest - moved to the inner waiting room where, quoting my son, "there are more machines and less TV - that must mean progress!"

I suppose I could have started working on my dissertation proposal... nah - not enough brain cells working at this time of night. Or I could have cleaned out my junk drawer... nah - too noisy. I guess I'll just sit here although I am getting sleepy...

Oh my goodness... where did the time go?

2011-06-24T17:58:00.000-04:00

So my sister mentioned my blog and I had honestly forgotten how to access it... it's been THAT long.

So much has changed over the past 3 years. We are still in South Carolina. The house in Modesto is gone with the wind. Grace and Caleb are living in Asheville... I have a grandson now! So much to catch up on... most of you who have followed my little attempt at blogging know all of this anyway... so I think I'll just try to start fresh.

Expectations

2008-12-20T23:25:00.001-05:00

It's been one year since Grace and I left Modesto and headed east toward our new life - our new reality. So much has happened. So much has changed. So much has not exactly turned out the way we expected it to.

Now here I sit wondering how everything that seemed so sure is now crumbling beneath me. I have tried so hard to remain faithful. I have tried so hard to have a Christmas spirit - an Advent heart. Yet I go through the motions each day with a fake smile plastered on my face hoping I can keep it together another 24 hours. I just want to sleep through the whole thing at this point.

What do you do when you stop believing in the magic? How does one regain the childlike wonder and awe when reality keeps creeping in? I guess you just have to continue to fake it 'til you make it as they say.

Ah well... I'm praying that 2009 will be better. I'm praying that obligations and commitments will be honored. I'm praying that everyone who is hurting will find peace. I'm praying - at least I'm trying to.

So here's to 2009. Here's to survival.

Listening to the rain...

2008-02-17T23:45:00.000-05:00

There is something quite soothing about rain. Oh, I know... I grumble and complain about rain at times. But, on a night like this when it's late and most of the world is asleep, rain can take me back to slow summer nights of my childhood when nothing was as important as catching fireflies and eating watermelon - seeds and all. I like being inside my home on a rainy night, warm and dry and safe - listening to the staccato of droplets outside my window. I just wish those I love most were here, too.

Updates on life...

2008-02-05T21:54:00.000-05:00

Good grief... has it really been nearly 2 months since I last wrote on this space? Time flies when you move across the country, I guess. New job, new church, new community - so much to learn.

Although I still feel like the move was absolutely the right thing to do and divinely led, it has been an adjustment - and not always pleasant. I knew I'd miss being away from my kids, my routines and life-in-general, but who knew how much I'd miss Queen Bean (or at least the availability of Starbucks on every corner) and Target!?! That's pretty sad, really. There are some positive replacements, tho' and I really do enjoy coming home each evening. Especially on a day like today - warm, slightly humid - quiet.

I've even been cooking dinner at least two nights per week! Wow - who the heck am I?

Ok... so nothing more existential than that tonight. I guess I should be more profound - just can't seem to think of anything that I'm burning to post. I suppose I'm just content to sit here, rocking on my metephoric front porch and watch the world go by.

Catch you later!

And so it begins...

2007-12-14T09:36:00.000-05:00

The movers come today, dropping off the shipping cubes that will eventually contain my entire existence in this place: the accumulated memories and material goods that we have gathered in over the past 12 years, 9 months and 5 days. It amazing to me just how relative time really is. I swear that just yesterday it was Thanksgiving. How did 3 weeks pass without me noticing? Oh, that's right - I've been packing!

But God is in the details! All of the loose ends have been neatly tied in a bow. All that is left is the leaving. And that will come even more quickly!

So - this is my last post from California. By the time I come back to this space, I will be in my new home overlooking a lake. I will be surrounded by my family - both my birth/marriage family and the folks in our new church home. And although, over time details of this place may fade - the people I am holding dearly in my heart never will. I hope we have left a memory of us here, too.

Shalom and Merry Christmas!

Expectations

2007-12-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

'tis the season of Advent. Each year nearly everyone who breathes celebrates this time of anticipation whether they know it or not. Pregnant women certainly understand the combination of excitement and fear that leads up to the final moments before birth. Little children can hardly contain themselves and enter into a game of hide 'n' seek with the packages they see mommy bring home. Of course, some children wonder if there will be anything at all this year. School children wait for the "winter holiday" to come and we all wish for a White Christmas - amazingly even those who live in places where it never snows at all!

This year "advent" seems a bit more, hmmmm, real. I am the one waiting for the launch of a new journey - a new life. It's not an abstract concept. Oh, I've been following and preparing and listening for some time now but the actual process of putting one foot in front of the other and knowing that I will never return to this life again is filled with excitement, fear, a little dread, great joy, anxiety... you name it, I'm feeling it.

With a deep sigh, a look of determination on my face, and a quick squaring of my shoulders, I rise this day in full anticipation of what it to come. I am daunted by the work left to do in order launch, but I am in "countdown mode" now - there is no turning back. I accept and allow this journey to unfold in all of its mystery.

So be it!

Storm after the calm

2007-11-24T15:19:00.001-05:00

I am confused. Dazed, stunned, overwhelmed and confused. As I said to someone recently, "I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop [with regards to all of the marvelously synchronous way this move has come about] but I never expected the entire inventory of Payless to come crashing down on my head!"

My car needed some minor repairs. I have discovered "minor" is relative to the make/model and availability of service. I did earn enough in our yard sale to cover three of the four repairs. The more major job of fixing my heater fan [a bit of an incovenience when you're driving cross-country in DECEMBER!] was another matter. Unfortunately, the day I had to take my car back to Pleasanton [beware owning a specialty car... service is rarely local unless you live in a major metro area!] was the day was had to say goodbye to our faithful and loving Lab, Abby.

Then, our son has been fighting with banks and other financial junk for a while but this week it seemed to be more conflicted, more inanely stupid [on the bank's part] and a real challenge for me to allow him to figure it all out. He did. And he's ok with the results for now.

Grace came down with the flu. And she found out she didn't pass all of the proficiency exam so that she can move in January with a diploma. I guess we're back to square one on that front.

Then Larry's 93 year old grandmother is taken to the hospital. She had not been well for a week and prescribed treatment was doing nothing. Larry's mother expressed her fear more than once that if Granny went into the hospital, she doubted that she'd ever come home. Granny died yesterday. Peacefully. She was so tired and kept asking to "just go home." We all knew what she meant. It is so very sad - it's sad that the kids and I are, once again, stuck on another side of the world from family.

Oh, yeah... yesterday my car decided to die in the middle of the grocery store parking lot. So once again the car has been towed an hour a way and I'm holding my breath waiting for the prognosis. Can you DNR a car? Oh, and did I mention all the doomsday advice I've been getting about the house and the current downturn of the real estate market??

And yet, despite all that I can whine about I still feel strangely calm. Sad. Done. Exhausted. Yet I refuse to be shaken. I refuse to curse God. If this is a test I'm struggling with the answers and I don't know if I'll pass, but, dammit, I refuse to give up. I know in my heart, as surely as I sit here and feel the keyboard under my fingers, that this road is the one we're meant to travel. Kyrie Eleison.

There will be a rainbow. There is always a rainbow. I count on the promise of the rainbow!

Requiem

2007-11-18T11:31:00.000-05:00

We said goodbye today to a dear and loving soul. Rest in peace my precious Abby. Rest in Peace.

More de-cluttering

2007-11-10T01:00:00.000-05:00

Ok... I absolutely hate yard/garage sales. I never stop. I hate haggling and I despise it when I spend money on someone else's stuff thinking I'll have a use for it "some day." But when I'm the one who's set out all of my "treasures" for someone else to snatch up at a nano-fraction (I just made that up!) of it's true worth... ok, I still hate them. They are exhausting. And I still hate haggling.

The room in which my computer resides is echo-y tonight. I've moved things out in hopes that someone will take them off my hands. I've realized I've become very un-sentimental with this cross-country move. How is it that these things I've collected and gathered over the last 13+ years has become so meaningless? Is it really that it's all "just stuff" or is this a part of a bigger purging that has to take place for this new journey to succeed?

How is it so easy to shed myself of the attachments I have in this place? Was I ever really attached at all? Surely, I will find it difficult to leave the people and places that have become so familiar...

It's interesting that at this moment I just feel a sense of surreal-ness. Maybe it will hit me somewhere between Albuquerque and Amarillo that I've really left all of this behind. And then, maybe it's just the current loose ends creating this feeling and when they are neatly tied will find me feeling...peaceful.

I think what is truly surreal is that I do feel so sure, so peaceful. It's a little odd, this letting go. I think I kind of like it!

Be blessed!

Journey's End to Journey's Beginning

2007-10-28T12:42:00.000-04:00

Roadtrips are supposed to be fun and I suppose the one I just completed was, in some way, just that. Yet, it was also full of stress, exhaustion, some fear, and a smattering of "what the heck are we doing?"

As Larry and I set out last Monday morning on our three day trip to South Carolina, we were both pretty quiet and introspective. We chatted about inconsequential things like, "Are we going to stop for Starbucks?" and "Where should we stop for gas?" At times the conversation turned to more anxiety-ridden topics like budgetting our expenses over the next few months, when and how Grace and I would handle our next phase of the move, and all of the nay-sayers who are listening to the media's account of how crappy the current housing market is. We stopped only for gas and to switch drivers. We ate only snack food and sandwiches and leftover pizza I packed from home. "Home." Hmmmm... where is that, exactly, now?

As we approached Gallup, NM that first day I think we were both amazed that we actually made 871 miles over 13 hours and didn't kill each other. We fell into our bed, slept fitfully and left again the next morning before our target time of 7am Mountain time.

We reminisced about the same trip we took in reverse nearly 13 years ago and spotted landmarks and other things we thought we remembered. We listened to books on CD, at times lost in our own thoughts that looked to the other like rapt attention. At some point, while still in New Mexico, my cellphone rang. The melodious southern voice on the other end, trying to be unalarming, asked me if I had an alternative phone number for my sister - my mother was in the Emergency Room in Raleigh, non-responsive. They were running tests. The question that hit me like a 2x4 across the eyebrows was, "Are you willing to honor the DNR request that we have in your mother's record?" Ok.... so how exactly do you respond to that? I mumbled something affirmative, found my sister's cellphone number and my nephew's as well. I was able to get ahold of my nephew who, like the sweetheart he is, headed straight for my mother's bedside.

For the next few hours, until I learned everything was under control, I mentally tried to figure out the closest major city we'd pass through so I could get a flight to Raleigh. By the time we stopped for some dinner in Oklahome City, however, it was apparent that would not be necessary and I actually got to talk with mom on the phone. Whew. Oklahoma City taught us a lesson in flexibilityand trusting our senses/faith to map out alternate directions when roadblocks are predicted. We took a large detour because of a nasty accident. We had stopped listening to the CD just a few minutes prior and had switched to local radio when we heard the traffic update. A few minutes prior to that we had called our son to look up the nearest Starbucks to the freeway and, because of his directions, were able to navigate around the accident and find food and coffee with ease. I don't doubt the subtle directional nudges and course corrections anymore! We didn't even lose time or add mileage!

By the time we made Van Buren, Arkansas (sounds like a line from an old Glen Campbell song) we were both beyond exhausted. Thoughts of doing this again the next day weighed on us both. I secretly wondered if I could actually get in the car again and that that maybe Larry would just have to leave me there! But we did. Thoughts of seeing our lifetime friends in Asheville kept us going. The third day was the only day with rain but even that was ok. The end of day three brought us through the grandeur and beauty of the Great Smokies and into the place where my soul has resided for the past 13 years! The welcoming arms of dear friends and a large pot of homemade chicken soup was just the thing these weary travelers needed.

The last leg was the longest - only two+ hours from Asheville to Greenwood, but the anticipation and anxiety added to the complete exhaustion made the trip feel like 100 hrs. We drove straight to my job interview and Larry set off to secure his housing - his home for the next two months. So this is where one journey ends and another begins.

I was offered and accepted a job. Larry is starting his new job and I have one that will start after the holidays. Exactly as I asked. Our new permanent home is out there somewhere waiting for us. Family and friends (new and old) are waiting to re-embrace us into the life we left so long ago. A new journey is beginning. It made the flight back to California even longer. I did meet some lovely people on the way back, though (Ann!). They helped pass the time - and even though we may not immediately understand why our paths crossed - they were a blessing to me.

What do I call this place now - "home?" I struggled so long with that word. For several years I refused to call this place "home." "Home" is where I'm from - this is where I "live." Hmmmm.... maybe the disconnect I've felt all these years has been of my own making - my refusal to see this place as 'home' has created the barriers I've railed about so often (with just about anyone who'd listen!). But that's all water under the bridge now. I can see, however, how difficult this may have made it for my children - it was their home - it still is there home. But I've tainted it for them, in some way. I regret that. And - I am sure it hasn't been easy for Larry, either - waiting for me to just accept this place and settle in.

The old journey isn't quite over yet, though. The minutae is waiting. The details are here begging to be taken care of. Not today, though. Today is for just "being" for a time. Looking around at the life that has been created and lived here with a discerning eye for what goes and what stays behind. So for now, I live in between the journey - somewhere on the circle that will lead to who-knows-where next...

Be blessed!

Clutter

2007-10-06T14:28:00.000-04:00

So in the space of about 2 hours I managed to throw out approximately 10 years or more of my life! Actually - I shredded most of those years until I broke the shredder! I might not have taken on this task today, but since we're moving, it has to be done...

Clearing out clutter is daunting but necessary if we are to keep focused on priorities. Sometimes the clutter is just "stuff" accumulated over years of living. Sometimes, the clutter in our lives represents old hurts, past indescretions for which we have trouble forgiving ourselves or others, old relationships of which it is long past time to let go. Looking at the garbage I tossed, I remembered debts, purchases, material stuff that didn't really matter that I try not to regret. Yet also in the rubble were sweet memories - checks for various childcare, school fundraisers, music and dance lessons - that represented my children's early years of life. Just because I shredded all of those too-long-held-onto checks, the memories cannot be erased.

It's good to clear out clutter - even when we're not forced to by circumstances. The space on the floor under the desk that once held the box of old checks is clear. The space in my heart now devoid of a lot of junk is too! How I choose to refill those spaces is mine. And it feels really good!

Be blessed!

Moving

2007-09-24T10:04:00.000-04:00

So much has transpired in a seemingly short amount of time. Under the heading of "Be careful what you ask for..." we are definitely moving. It's a bittersweet answer to a prayer. With every new adventure comes the closure of the old one - and that means leaving what's familiar and known (even if it's not always comfortable) and running headlong towards insecurity and change. I like to think I've always been a "champion for change" so you'd think I'd be jumping up and down. Well... in some ways I am turning cartwheels and skipping and singing and having a fit of the giggles... unfortunately, I am also feeling the stress of "ok... what now?" I want evey major decision to come with a how-to kit and idiot-proof instructions! I want it to come nicely packaged with a neat little bow and a note that says all the details are done. My son wrote in his blog that when we, his parents, make up our minds to do something then it's done. Oh, how I wish it were that easy!! I truly wish that we could just make the change already and not have all the subsequent decisions and times of uncertainty ahead.

That said - this is SO exciting! We are going home!!!! Well, close enough, anyway. I can't believe it has finally come. God is SO good! God is in the details. I do believe that. So, for now, I have to practice what I believe - that home, work for me, school concerns, et al. - all is taken care of; all is being provided to us even as I type this.

A few more pieces of the puzzle are in place... and I think I'm going to really like the finished picture!

Be blessed!

Synchronicity

2007-08-31T15:38:00.000-04:00

I like the word "synchronous." It describes that merging or meeting of seemingly disparate forces much like "coincidence" does, yet it definitely sounds more...hmmm...I don't know - grown up? And "accident" has such a negative connotation about it, doesn't it? The latter makes me think of either an impact to my auto insurance or a poop-y diaper. Either way, it's not good. If you are a believer of "The Secret" then, by the laws of attraction, everything that comes to us is drawn to us by the energy we emit. Coincidences are accidental occurrences by definition. In some ways, so are synchronous events given that occurrences happen at the same time, but there seems to be more of an intention that comes from somewhere about life being in "sync." Ok... I hear you... "So what," you ask? "What's with the English 101 lesson." "Sounds a little too 'new-agey' to me."

Despite how "new-agey" this may sound to some, I believe that when we become intentional about our discernment process - you know...really praying and studying about what God intends for our lives - that seemingly unrelated, accidental or coincidental things begin to happen. As soon as we begin to pay attention it feels as if there is a massive jigsaw puzzle called "life" out there and we're watching a master putting it together in front of us - with little to no assistance from us whatsoever, I might add. Yet it isn't as if it's all being orchestrated against our will. Maybe it's more like holding a kaleidoscope - the slightest turn will change the picture. We control how much or often we make the turns, but the pieces that are always there make new and beautiful pictures no matter what. We might like some more than others (which is why we keep turning, I guess) and some we like to preserve as long as possible.

The interesting thing is when the desire comes to turn the tube at a time when you thought you were content with the picture of the moment. That's what this summer has been like for me. Now I have to admit that some of the "turns in my tube," so-to-speak, have been the result of bumping the kaleidoscope accidentally. Or was it an accident? See... that's what I mean. ARGH... it boggles the mind to try to work this out logically. Nothing about this puzzle seems to make logical sense. But it surely makes sense in a synchronous way. And it makes me smile - you know the one... the Cheshire Cat sort of smile that makes everyone wonder what the heck you're up to? I guess the only real way to describe it is that "aha" moment when you finally, truly understand something you've be struggling to learn. Once understood you can't unlearn it. You can never go back to ignorance.

So I guess there's a warning in that somewhere. If you don't want your kaleidoscope's picture to change; if you don't want to find more puzzle pieces then don't ask. For it is written..."Ask and it WILL be given to you. Seek and you WILL find." What is more intentional than that assurance? It's not a 'secret' at all. And trust me... it won't be when you think you're ready, either. It will come in God's own sweetly divine right time! That will be no accident. Or coincidence. It will be beautifully synchronous - the words and music of your life will be aligned perfectly.

Be blessed.

Looking at the puzzle

2007-05-02T12:06:00.000-04:00

Recently, I have been looking at the puzzle of my life. It is easy to see "brokenness" if I focus solely on the lines that separate the pieces. I have discovered that if I squint my eyes and blur my vision a little then I lose site of the separateness and see the picture more clearly. Hmmm. By going "out of focus" then I seem to get a clearer sense of the whole. Maybe we tend to focus too much in our hurried, busy lives. Maybe we have only a narrow view of each piece and forget to look at the whole. We lose beauty and fluidity and movement when we choose to see too narrowly. We lose some simblance of control, yes, but what we gain is a peace that tells us that there IS purpose and reason to our journey.

So now the border seems complete. The framework is built and now I get to spend time finding each piece that will continue to build the greater picture. I don't have the advantage of a box that shows the whole picture. I don't even know if I have all the pieces. Yet that is part of this fun pasttime called LIFE. I have been given the gift of the search - the gift of discovery. I can't wait to see what the finished product will eventually look like.

Be blessed.

Unanswered prayers

2007-04-23T13:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers... and sometimes I just can't do that yet.

After the Rain...

2007-04-22T15:24:00.000-04:00

We've been deluged with emotions this past week... pictures and sounds that inundate our senses to the point of numbness; heightened fear and loss of our sense of balance - of what is right and good.

I grew up at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. I have always lived in relatively small towns - cloistered and secure environments. My sheltered life consisted of family and friends, acquaintances who always seemed to know "whose girl" I was (and am). Occasional tragedy would strike "elsewhere" - but I always felt safe. Even though I weathered some of my own tragedies I always knew I was deeply loved and accepted by someone.

When Larry, Caleb and I moved to the southwestern past of Virginia in 1988 I remember my daddy saying, "You've been looking at that mountain all your life - why do you need to move to the other side?" We laughed and I replied, "Just like the bear, daddy, to see what I can see." There is very little difference between the foothills of the Blue Ridge of Virginia and North Carolina... the accent's a little different :-) but the people are essentially the same: hardworking, salt-of-the-earth folks with a great deal of pride in their land, in their families, and their vocations. There's a trusting neighborliness (despite the ever-present wariness of Yankees!) that draws you in and makes you just want to sit and visit for a spell.

This week that changed. Many had to realize that there are no really safe places in this world anymore. Nowhere is immune to tragedy and chaos. Yet we have to keep moving in this world. We have to continue striving for peace; working towards justice and mercy. We must continue to look for the rainbow after the rain. That's our promise that we are not alone.

It poured today. I poured, too. Even though I still feel sad about so many losses and tragedies that struck my life this week - and those that were in my peripheral vision - I know the rainbow is there as are my beloved Blue Ridge Mountains. I hope you find your rainbow, too.

Blessings and shalom,

Blessed Easter

2007-04-07T23:39:00.000-04:00

Imagine my surprise when I walked out of my office to find my son sitting in the waiting room. He had decided to visit for Spring Break unannounced. I found myself clinging onto him with tears rolling down my face as if I hadn't seen him for years.

Imagine the surprise of the woman at the tomb. I pray you find your surprise today. Be blessed.

Say "Yes"

2007-03-29T01:31:00.000-04:00

I don't believe in coincidences. But I know that there are synchronicities in life: a message in a devotional that just "fits;" a phone call from a friend about whom you've just been thinking; the letter with a rebate check for $50 at the same time you receive an unexpected bill. Take today, for instance. My horoscope (yes, I read it every day - for entertainment) always includes a "tonight:" section. Today this part said, "Say 'yes!'" Ok... given some things I've been contemplating lately, that was slightly amusing. Then I get into my car to head to work and the first song I heard on the radio (a song I've never heard before) was called, "Say yes!" Well... now you have my attention. Twice! - the same message twice in less than half of an hour. So I waited all day for the opportunity - the nudge - to come along to which I could say "yes." The blinding flash sort of moment never came. And then I realized... I'd said "yes" to quite a number of things today - seemingly insignificant to those outside my world, but to my family, the kids with whom I work, and my colleagues maybe not so insignificant. We say "yes" everyday to our call to be good citizens, good parents, good friends. We say "yes" to one thing when maybe that means we have to say "no" to something else. That also happened today.

So, tomorrow I'll start all over again looking for those moments of serendipity - those synchronous moments that make me smile. I wish for you those moments, too.

Beginnings

2007-03-26T15:32:00.000-04:00

Today is a new day. It is a day of possibilities and potential. How will we spend it? Resting? Working? Stuck in details? Will we "go with the flow" or will we cling to our limitations? Be blessed in all you do today. May every moment be filled with grace, peace and beauty.